Wednesday, October 22, 2008

WHY did I rent this apartment?

Today I called my landlord because the heat still hadn't been turned on in my building. He showed me where the dial was on the one notch above wood burning stove old school fire hazard floor radiators, promised me for the billionth time that he was seriously for real going to get me a stove that was manufactured after 1920 any day now, and then dropped this bomb while he was leaving:

"Oh, by the way, I'm trying to sell the building, so I'm going to be showing potential investors the apartment every Tuesday from 11-2. Hope that's cool."

NO!

That is not cool, dingus, for several reasons:

1) I have class every Tuesday from 9-5. Sort of like the hours that normal people work. So strangers will be poking around my stuff every WEEK without my being there.

2) There is a 0% chance that I will be able to keep my apartment reasonably clean for these Tuesday visits. I told my landlord this, and he said, in typical dingus fashion, "Oh, that's cool." I am going to make my apartment as messy as possible every Tuesday morning before leaving for class on purpose. Not that it matters, because...

3) Dear genius landlord: Have you SEEN my apartment? The floor is so slanty my desk is propped up by two hockey pucks on each front leg. The baseboards form close to a 45 degree angle. The door between my kitchen and bedroom is a sea foam green bedsheet spray painted with "You don't wanna door" and thumb tacked to the frame. In fact, when I have time, I'm going to make a photo essay and send it to FailBlog. Instead of SHOWING potential buyers this disaster, you should keep them as far away from it as possible.

4) What will my wife do? Lisa, the shifty couch surfer who lives on my floor, will be forced to vacate the premises every Tuesday for 3 hours, or risk getting kicked out when my landlord realizes she's my roommate and not my girlfriend, which is why he thinks she's around all the time now.

5) What if I had a giant stash of porn on my coffee table, or was airing a sex toy collection out to dry, or liked to keep a bong on my counter... not that any of these are the case (as far as I'm disclosing on the internet, anyway), but the point is, my apartment is MY space. I do not want strangers looking at it every week for three hours from now into eternity and worry about them judging me, because that is how long it's going to take my landlord to sell this building.

I called the Landlord-Tenant Board of Ontario and they told me I'm SOL. Him telling me today counts as 24 hours notice, which is all you need. Which seems ridiculous to me. There has to be some sort of limitation on how often your landlord can come in to your apartment. What if he had told me, "By the way, I'm going to be in your apartment every day from 9-7 starting the day after tomorrow. I noticed you have an interesting book collection, and I've decided to sit on your futon and catch up on French political philosophy." It would be 24 hours notice, technically.

At least I have heat now.

3 comments:

Sonya said...

OUT OF CONTROL
(your situation + my laughter)

I'm going as your apartment for Halloween.

Amy said...

Move to Colonel By!

The Peach said...

My landlord once showed my apartment when I had left a bong on the counter. He never mentioned it.