Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Downtown Ottawa destroyed in birthday rampage

A 30-storey Japanese monster known only as Megababe destroyed most of downtown Ottawa in a Sunday night rampage.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my entire life,” said Pam, a 78-year-old Ottawa resident who declined to give her last name.

“I was returning from Maxwell’s, I mean Diver’s house, I mean my bridge club meeting at around 2 a.m. when I saw Megababe stumble right into the walkway connecting the Rideau Centre to The Bay.”

Only a charred and flattened path from Kent and Lisgar to the Byward Market remains. All residents in the area have been evacuated until further notice.

Employees of a number of nearby LCBOs and Beer Stores are in treatment for shock after Megababe swiped off the roofs of their buildings and lumbered off with their supplies of gin and Max Ice. Police estimate 80 people were injured in a 157-car pile up when the creature stopped to drink her stash in the middle of the intersection of Rideau and Sussex.

Miraculously, no fatalities have been recorded.

Police air-lifted the giant sleeping creature into custody at around 5 a.m. Part of the Peace Tower, which she was spooning at the time, was uprooted in the process.

The incident has sparked a viral “Megababe for P.M.” movement on the Internet. Liberal insiders say she may be nominated for the party leadership as a result of her newfound popularity.

“A 24-year-old, 30-storey tall, binge drinking Japanese monster with purple leggings and a duff puff would be just the breath of fresh air this party needs to attract women and youth back to the Liberal party,” said the unnamed senior source.

The behemoth’s roar of “BIRTHDAY” throughout the night is the only clue officials have as to why Megababe chose this time and place to strike. Some residents claimed to have seen her jump into the Rideau Canal last year, leaving them to wonder whether she would soon return.

“I shrugged that off as just another Ottawa urban legend,” said one Ottawa police officer. “I didn’t think anyone would be crazy enough to jump into that cesspool, even a drunk prehistoric harbinger of doom.”

“Next time we’ll take those reports more seriously.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The West Coast's resident canal jumper is very, very sad to have missed out on this monumental occassion.